Ceremony in Place of Kaddish: 3/22/2020

Over the generations, our Sages have suggested many ways to help commemorate the memory of our loved ones. One central practice is the recitation of Kaddish. However, when one is unable to recite Kaddish, other potent options are also available.

It is traditional to learn Mishna in honor of the soul. This can be seen in the word Mishna משנה which contains the same letters as נשמה, the soul. Prayer is also powerful; and, of course giving tzedakah as well. Therefore, each day we will be offering this ceremony, which incorporates all three, to stand in place of kaddish--until our daily minyan resumes. Of course, you should still daven three times a day, and are encouraged to join our daily Mincha-Maariv call-in, which will incorporate a Kel Maleh/Memorial prayer for the Yahrtzeits of the day as well as a Dvar Torah.

Open the service with a prayer (listed below) and Tehillim. Each day we will provide a different Mishna with brief commentary and guiding questions. Read the Mishna, in either  English or Hebrew… or both, and review the commentary. If it so interests you, answer the guiding questions as well. Then, set aside any amount of money for tzedakah in honor of your loved one. 

May these important mitzvot provide an עילוי נשמה, an elevation of the soul, for your loved one and help all of Am Yisrael and the world in these difficult times.
 

May my prayer, Torah learning, and tzedakah stand in the merit of _______________ b. ________________ (add the Hebrew name and the Hebrew name of their father).
  

1. Tehillim (Psalm 121)

שִׁיר לַמַּעֲלוֹת אֶשָּׂא עֵינַי אֶל-הֶהָרִים מֵאַיִן יָבֹא עֶזְרִי. עֶזְרִי מֵעִם ה' עֹשֵׂה שָׁמַיִם וָאָרֶץ. אַל יִתֵּן לַמּוֹט רַגְלֶךָ; אַל יָנוּם שֹׁמְרֶךָ. הִנֵּה לֹא יָנוּם וְלֹא יִישָׁן שׁוֹמֵר יִשְׂרָאֵל. ה' שֹׁמְרֶךָ; ה' צִלְּךָ עַל-יַד יְמִינֶךָ. יוֹמָם הַשֶּׁמֶשׁ לֹא יַכֶּכָּה וְיָרֵחַ בַּלָּיְלָה. ה' יִשְׁמָרְךָ מִכָּל-רָע, יִשְׁמֹר אֶת-נַפְשֶׁךָ. ה' יִשְׁמָר צֵאתְךָ וּבוֹאֶךָ מֵעַתָּה וְעַד-עוֹלָם.

A song of ascents. I lift my eyes to the mountains, from where will my help come? My help comes from the Lord, Maker of heaven and earth. God will not let your foot falter, your guardian will not slumber. Behold, the Guardian of Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps. The Lord is your Guardian, the Lord is your protection by your right side. By day the sun will not harm you, nor the moon by night. The Lord will guard you from all evil; the Lord will guard your life. The Lord will guard your going and coming from now and forever.

2. Mishna Learning (Review of Chapters of the Fathers 1, 4-6)

On weekends, we will review the Mishnas from the week. It’s always good to go over the material and arrive at new understandings and interpretations. Learn one Mishna or more! 

יוֹסֵי בֶן יוֹעֶזֶר אִישׁ צְרֵדָה וְיוֹסֵי בֶן יוֹחָנָן אִישׁ יְרוּשָׁלַיִם קִבְּלוּ מֵהֶם. יוֹסֵי בֶן יוֹעֶזֶר אִישׁ צְרֵדָה אוֹמֵר, יְהִי בֵיתְךָ בֵית וַעַד לַחֲכָמִים, וֶהֱוֵי מִתְאַבֵּק בַּעֲפַר רַגְלֵיהֶם, וֶהֱוֵי שׁוֹתֶה בְצָמָא אֶת דִּבְרֵיהֶם:

Q: Why did Yosi ben Yoezer stress the need to host Torah scholars?

A: He was located in a peripheral city without many Torah centers and scholars. Therefore, he shared that one should do all one can to bring in Torah scholars into one’s home in order to infuse it with holiness and inspiration. The idea of bringing in Torah does not only apply to people. Rabbi Berel Wein explains that one should fill one’s home with Torah books as well. I once heard a rabbi call this “building your shelf-esteem”: making sure your shelves are filled with books. Aside from the easy accessibility of Torah knowledge, this adds a certain feeling of dignity and centeredness to one’s home.
 

Q: Why does Yosi ben Yoezer use the language of בית ועד “a gathering place”?

A: One should make sure to spend time with Torah scholars. However, it is not enough to connect only from time to time. One ideally should find oneself in “gatherings” for extended periods of time with rabbis. The more one spends around one’s rabbi, the more one learns how they approach things, what their opinions are, and how they conduct themselves in their daily lives. 

I once heard a rabbi share how he knew his rebbe so well that he could tell just from his head nod, when asked a question, what his whole opinion was on the topic. I know for myself that the more time I spent around my rabbi in Jerusalem, the easier it was for me to anticipate what he would answer in different cases. This has proved very helpful for me over the years, as I now carry his voice with me wherever I go (whether I like it or not!).

Q: Why the language וֶהֱוֵי מִתְאַבֵּק בַּעֲפַר רַגְלֵיהֶם, which translates to “sit in the very dust of their feet”? It could have said והוי יושב בעפר רגליהם and relayed the same message.

A: I once read a really nice interpretation to this in Ruach Chaim on Pirkei Avot. The root א-ב-ק means struggle. (When read as a noun it means dust.) Yosi ben Yoezer is telling us that with all of our welcoming and hosting rabbis, our “drinking in with thirst” their words of Torah, we do not have to blindly accept what they tell us. We should מתאבק, struggle and grapple, and if things don’t make sense, ask and push back when necessary. This is the only way to learn Torah, as the Sages teach us later on in the Chapters of the Fathers: “shyness does not breed learning.”
 

There may even be another layer here. The Mishna discusses the “dust of the rabbis’ feet.” This  shows us that no matter how holy a rabbi is, they are still human. Maybe they only have a small flaw, represented by the feet here, the lowest part of the body. And perhaps it isn’t even that bad, it is only the “dust” of the feet. Nevertheless, we have to recognize that everyone is prone to mistakes and human reactions. Once we recognize this and are open to sifting through what may not fit for our own spiritual growth (=מתאבק), we can then appropriately “drink in their holy words in thirst.”

יוֹסֵי בֶן יוֹחָנָן אִישׁ יְרוּשָׁלַיִם אוֹמֵר, יְהִי בֵיתְךָ פָתוּחַ לִרְוָחָה, וְיִהְיוּ עֲנִיִּים בְּנֵי בֵיתֶךָ, וְאַל תַּרְבֶּה שִׂיחָה עִם הָאִשָּׁה. בְּאִשְׁתּוֹ אָמְרוּ, קַל וָחֹמֶר בְּאֵשֶׁת חֲבֵרוֹ. מִכָּאן אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים, כָּל זְמַן שֶׁאָדָם מַרְבֶּה שִׂיחָה עִם הָאִשָּׁה, גּוֹרֵם רָעָה לְעַצְמוֹ, וּבוֹטֵל מִדִּבְרֵי תוֹרָה, וְסוֹפוֹ יוֹרֵשׁ גֵּיהִנֹּם:

Q: In the previous Mishna, we learned how Yosi ben Yoezer spoke about hosting Torah scholars in one’s home. Here, Yose ben Yochanan speaks more generally, with a focus on the poor.  Why the switch in emphasis? 

A: Yosi ben Yoezer lived in Jerusalem. This was a center filled with Torah sages. Therefore, he emphasized hosting everyone. Yose ben Yochanan lived in Zeredah, an area without as many scholars; so he talked about making one’s house a “gathering place” for scholars. 

On a deeper level, Yosi ben Yoezer wanted to highlight that amidst all of one’s Torah learning, one must still make helping others a priority. I once heard a nice explanation (I believe in the name of Rabbi Berel Wein) to the blessing we recite on the Haftorah: אשר בחר בנביאים טובים. It discusses how Hashem “chose good prophets.” This is a rather peculiar statement! Would we expect Hashem to choose anything but “good” prophets?
 

Rather, the message is that there is a danger when it comes to being involved in high frequencies of spirituality. They can sometimes lead one to become a recluse and disconnected from others. Our prophets were not like that. They always remained “good people”: kind and welcoming to others. Yosi ben Yoezer was warning those in Jerusalem, a center of Torah, to always remember to be kind to others; let their house be wide open; and perhaps, at this opportunity, share their Torah with others who need it. 

Q: Why does the Mishna use the language בני ביתך, literally “children/members of your household,” upon discussing welcoming in the poor into one’s home?

A: It is one thing to host and welcome-in those in need. It is another to allow them to feel “at home.” The Mishna is telling us to do all we can to make those who are visiting feel at home and not as “visitors.” This means finding out which foods they enjoy, which songs they like to sing (if it’s a Shabbos meal), showing interest in their lives and letting them know you care. These are just a few suggestions for making those who you are hosting feel like בני ביתך.

Q: What problem does the Mishna have with someone chatting with their spouse?

A: This is not the easiest Mishna to explain, but I’ll give it a try. Perhaps it’s all about balance. When we shift our focus to the home, as in the first part of the Mishna, we may be inclined to be lax when it comes to our religious duties such as davening and Torah learning. To be sure, spending time with one’s spouse is a mitzvah! But there are other mitzvahsת too. It’s all about the proper balance. Without that, one will “cause evil to himself, neglect the study of the Torah, and in the end inherit gehinnom [G-d forbid].”

יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן פְּרַחְיָה וְנִתַּאי הָאַרְבֵּלִי קִבְּלוּ מֵהֶם. יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן פְּרַחְיָה אוֹמֵר, עֲשֵׂה לְךָ רַב, וּקְנֵה לְךָ חָבֵר, וֶהֱוֵי דָן אֶת כָּל הָאָדָם לְכַף זְכוּת:

Joshua ben Perahiah and Nittai the Arbelite received [the oral tradition] from them. Joshua ben Perahiah used to say: appoint [lit. make] for thyself a teacher, and acquire for thyself a friend, and judge all men with the scale weighted in his favor.

Q: Why does the Mishna use the language “make” when it comes to a teacher and “acquire” when it comes to a friend?
 

A: When it comes to friends, we must make space for all of their sides, good and bad. It’s like going to a store and “acquiring” something. We don’t create the items in the store; we accept what is on the shelf and choose to purchase it the way it is. 

When it comes to one’s rabbi, however, it’s not a completely levelled-out relationship. One can expect to take more from the rabbi than one gives. To some extent, one can“make” the connection into what one wants (just remember to be gentle with us rabbis!).

Q: Why does the Mishna use the language דן את כל האדם לכף זכות, which literally translates to judging “the entirety” of the individual favorably?

A; We can never truly judge someone else because we don’t know what they have been through. This is what the Mishna is saying: when we come to judge others, we should take into account the entirety of their story and past experiences. If one does this, one will undoubtedly judge them favorably!
 

3. Tzedakah

Set aside tzedakah in memory and in the merit of your loved one.